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If I happen to die in any type of strange circumstance, this is my plea to the world to look to the cat. The cat is trying to kill me!
Now, so that an innocent feline does not get falsely accused, I must tell you that we have three pets. One is a dog, a poodle, the type you feel has mixed speed and caffeine and has a propensity to hump anything in sight, despite the fact that it is female and has been fixed. There is the Grand Dame of the house, our cat, Jaden, who has been with me nearly a decade. She has been often standoffish in the past, but has become more sociable in recent years.
But then there is the dark mistress, that black widow, a most malicious creature. I knew she was trouble when we first came upon her, somehow wedged in the engine block of my wife’s car. “Ah, a pity,” I thought, and was urged by my wife to assist in saving her. What a fool I was. I know now she had only been trapped while attempting her own sabotage--cutting the brakes or rigging explosives to the car. We named her Beetle, after the vehicle she was found in, but perhaps BeezleBeetle should be her name.
Of course, she is subtle, as cunning and slippery as a serpent. She hides in the shadows, her perfectly black features blending into the night, so that if she were to slowly move in front of a foot in the blackness, the victim would not see her until too late. So many stumbles!
But if she cannot defeat by being underfoot, she will attack by being under bum, pressed against the blackness of a chair, so that a person will not see her as he sits, only to jump in fear at the bulk beneath him--a bulk that will not move despite a person’s full weight upon her--a bulk that will not move even when the chair is angled over drastically.
She claims her ground on our bed, so that I must ever put my legs over her or scrunch them up. And too many times I have woken to see that dark face staring into mine, her massive weight upon my chest, the knowledge she shares with me that soon she shall take me, this fiendish feline. Save me!
On an unrelated note, does anybody want a cat?
Now, so that an innocent feline does not get falsely accused, I must tell you that we have three pets. One is a dog, a poodle, the type you feel has mixed speed and caffeine and has a propensity to hump anything in sight, despite the fact that it is female and has been fixed. There is the Grand Dame of the house, our cat, Jaden, who has been with me nearly a decade. She has been often standoffish in the past, but has become more sociable in recent years.
But then there is the dark mistress, that black widow, a most malicious creature. I knew she was trouble when we first came upon her, somehow wedged in the engine block of my wife’s car. “Ah, a pity,” I thought, and was urged by my wife to assist in saving her. What a fool I was. I know now she had only been trapped while attempting her own sabotage--cutting the brakes or rigging explosives to the car. We named her Beetle, after the vehicle she was found in, but perhaps BeezleBeetle should be her name.
Of course, she is subtle, as cunning and slippery as a serpent. She hides in the shadows, her perfectly black features blending into the night, so that if she were to slowly move in front of a foot in the blackness, the victim would not see her until too late. So many stumbles!
But if she cannot defeat by being underfoot, she will attack by being under bum, pressed against the blackness of a chair, so that a person will not see her as he sits, only to jump in fear at the bulk beneath him--a bulk that will not move despite a person’s full weight upon her--a bulk that will not move even when the chair is angled over drastically.
She claims her ground on our bed, so that I must ever put my legs over her or scrunch them up. And too many times I have woken to see that dark face staring into mine, her massive weight upon my chest, the knowledge she shares with me that soon she shall take me, this fiendish feline. Save me!
On an unrelated note, does anybody want a cat?
silly man. she is not on your chest to kill you, she is actually performing cpr to jumpstart your ungrateful heart as it stops during the night!........or maybe not. don't view her as a villian to defeat, instead view her as a wise, cunning creature whose intelligence and power you can maybe co-opt........maybe.....if you can convince her that A) it is in her best interests & B) it was her idea in the first place. Oh, and just be glad she does not have opposable thumbs......if so, you WOULD be dead already.
Yeah, I am pretty much with Scott. She is evil. She also has some type of creepy foot fetish. She is either under them or won't get off of them (especially at night-gggrrrr...) The question is why won't I let anyone get rid of her? Trust me Scott and Bella have both begged.