|
My father passed without us talking for about 17 years. Never give up a chance to share your heart, even if you are only doing it for your own sake. On that note, I’m going to take the opportunity to tell people that I love, thank and/or appreciate them. I’m doing 61 of these, which was the age of my father when he died. I’m probably going to break it up on the blog into five different posts (I will usually do one a day on Facebook, which means the last one will probably May 26).
Heart Truth #1: Robyn, Bella, and Tatiana, no matter how much time goes by, there will never be a moment I don't love you, even those when you frustrate the hell out of me. And I you.
Robyn, you’ve been the biggest constant in my life for the last 22 years. You have been my road-trip partner, my beautiful daughter, who, despite the fact we’re told not to have this type of relationship with our children, my good friend. I’m sorry for the fear of clowns, but I’m still going to exploit it.
Bella, it’s never been fully easy between us, but I want you to know this. This is what I believe, whether you think it or not. I am your dad. Someone else may have been biologically responsible for that, but I am your dad.
Tatiana, I look so forward to what you do with your life. Already, at the age of five, I know you are a force to be reckoned with. You and I will always be Super Awesome and a Goober Smooch, roles changing depending on who is saying it.
Heart truth #2: Mom, we've never had the easiest mother/son relationship. There have been times of anger and long silences. In the end, you and I both know that we can and have turned to each other when we needed somebody to hear us. You've probably pissed me off more than any woman I haven't divorced (and I know I've given some of the same feeling, too), but I know you will always be there for me when I need you. I love you, Mom.
Heart Truth #3: John, this year it will be 30 years that you've been my best friend. Excepting family, I've known you longer than I've known anybody. More than anybody else, I know I can go to you when things are rough, and you always have my back. You and I can say to each other what others might think are very harsh things and know that what we say comes from love...and that we ease our wounds through laughter. I love you, my brother. I'm just glad airport security is better, so you don't get on the wrong planes.
Heart Truth #4: Coleena, for the longest time I felt you were around only to test my patience, as if I were a modern-day Job. Sometimes I wanted to roll you up in that carpet like I did...and keep you there. You were annoying. Looking back, I realize I was probably just as annoying to you. I'm amazed at the woman you have become, at the mother you have become, and I'm proud that you're my sister. I love you.
Heart Truth #5: Patrick, for most of your life, you were somebody I saw a few times a year at most, when I visited. I didn't really get to see you grow up much. I want you to know that I admire you. Not because you're a Marine and serving our country (which is admirable in and of itself), but for overcoming the obstacles that have come your way. You display a strength that has nothing to do with physical ability, and you encourage me to try harder when I run into my own obstacles. And you married well. Erin, you're pretty great, too. I love you, brother.
Heart Truth #6: David, I got to spend even less time with you than I did with Patrick, as I moved out of the house (that sounds more voluntary than it was, ha ha) soon after you were born. The truth is I tend to view you more through my daughters' eyes than through my own experience. But what I see through their own eyes is amazing, as you you show a patience I don't know that I would ever be able to muster. You are an amazing uncle, and I've been glad you've been in my daughters' lives, and I only wish we had more opportunity to spend together (doesn't help I don't like fishing or Razorback sports, I guess). I love you, little brother.
Heart Truth #7: Michael Kent, most of my life I never really felt like I had a dad. You're the closest thing to it, and probably the only reason it never crossed into that type of relationship is we entered each other's lives too late. Although we've not been as close as you and Patrick or David, I still cherish you in my life. I know you're a great dad. I see that every time you're with the boys or Coleena. I'm glad you are my family.
Heart Truth #8: Brandy, I haven't communicated with you in over four years. I haven't seen you in 10. I'm okay with both these facts. But I have much for which to be thankful to you. You're the first person I loved. You taught me that love is great, and that it can be foolish. With you, I learned that if you're determined enough, you might get what you want. And that you might realize you didn't really want it. You allowed me to be a father, the one role I would want to be remembered for more than anything. And you, more than anyone, led me to realize it's okay to forgive. Thank you.
Heart Truth #9: Missa, it's been a long, hard road. You showed me love can happen again after so many years that I didn't think it would. The end result doesn't take away that fact. If it were not for you, not only would I not have Tatiana in my life, there's a good chance that I would never had another child, and in retrospect, I find that difficult to stomach. No matter what, we will always be connected through Tatiana and Dane, love and loss, hope and sadness, and I want to thank you.
Heart Truth #10: Katie, I’ve told four women in my life that I loved them. You were the first who wasn’t somebody I had married. I truly loved you, but in retrospect, it’s probably good things went the way they did, because I don’t know that my love would have been sufficient enough to make up for taking from all you had where you were. Thank you for being the person to pick me up when I was feeling down, when I was feeling unloved and unworthy. I mean it now more than the first time I said it that you deserve the love I know you will find.
Heart Truth #11: Tammy, you're the last woman who I have told I love, and the only one with whom that is still true. I feel a lot of responsibility in being the person to whom you have given your heart, and sometimes I haven't met the mark. There is nobody I could laugh and talk with like you, nobody who seems to know what's on the tip of my tongue. I've sometimes been afraid that I wasn't the person you thought I was, and I sometimes have been afraid you thought I was less than the person I really was. Through everything and anything, whether we never meet again or we spend our lives together, I will do as I promised and make these the last words you get from me, no matter what: I love you.
Heart Truth #12: Julie, Bill, Mitch, and Matthew, the very best things I got out of my marriage were Tatiana and Bella. After that, it was having you in my life. Even after the divorce, I still think of you as my in-laws. I don't consider you family; you are family. There's not a moment when I think I can't turn to you for something. I appreciate all you've been in my life. I love you.
Heart Truth #1: Robyn, Bella, and Tatiana, no matter how much time goes by, there will never be a moment I don't love you, even those when you frustrate the hell out of me. And I you.
Robyn, you’ve been the biggest constant in my life for the last 22 years. You have been my road-trip partner, my beautiful daughter, who, despite the fact we’re told not to have this type of relationship with our children, my good friend. I’m sorry for the fear of clowns, but I’m still going to exploit it.
Bella, it’s never been fully easy between us, but I want you to know this. This is what I believe, whether you think it or not. I am your dad. Someone else may have been biologically responsible for that, but I am your dad.
Tatiana, I look so forward to what you do with your life. Already, at the age of five, I know you are a force to be reckoned with. You and I will always be Super Awesome and a Goober Smooch, roles changing depending on who is saying it.
Heart truth #2: Mom, we've never had the easiest mother/son relationship. There have been times of anger and long silences. In the end, you and I both know that we can and have turned to each other when we needed somebody to hear us. You've probably pissed me off more than any woman I haven't divorced (and I know I've given some of the same feeling, too), but I know you will always be there for me when I need you. I love you, Mom.
Heart Truth #3: John, this year it will be 30 years that you've been my best friend. Excepting family, I've known you longer than I've known anybody. More than anybody else, I know I can go to you when things are rough, and you always have my back. You and I can say to each other what others might think are very harsh things and know that what we say comes from love...and that we ease our wounds through laughter. I love you, my brother. I'm just glad airport security is better, so you don't get on the wrong planes.
Heart Truth #4: Coleena, for the longest time I felt you were around only to test my patience, as if I were a modern-day Job. Sometimes I wanted to roll you up in that carpet like I did...and keep you there. You were annoying. Looking back, I realize I was probably just as annoying to you. I'm amazed at the woman you have become, at the mother you have become, and I'm proud that you're my sister. I love you.
Heart Truth #5: Patrick, for most of your life, you were somebody I saw a few times a year at most, when I visited. I didn't really get to see you grow up much. I want you to know that I admire you. Not because you're a Marine and serving our country (which is admirable in and of itself), but for overcoming the obstacles that have come your way. You display a strength that has nothing to do with physical ability, and you encourage me to try harder when I run into my own obstacles. And you married well. Erin, you're pretty great, too. I love you, brother.
Heart Truth #6: David, I got to spend even less time with you than I did with Patrick, as I moved out of the house (that sounds more voluntary than it was, ha ha) soon after you were born. The truth is I tend to view you more through my daughters' eyes than through my own experience. But what I see through their own eyes is amazing, as you you show a patience I don't know that I would ever be able to muster. You are an amazing uncle, and I've been glad you've been in my daughters' lives, and I only wish we had more opportunity to spend together (doesn't help I don't like fishing or Razorback sports, I guess). I love you, little brother.
Heart Truth #7: Michael Kent, most of my life I never really felt like I had a dad. You're the closest thing to it, and probably the only reason it never crossed into that type of relationship is we entered each other's lives too late. Although we've not been as close as you and Patrick or David, I still cherish you in my life. I know you're a great dad. I see that every time you're with the boys or Coleena. I'm glad you are my family.
Heart Truth #8: Brandy, I haven't communicated with you in over four years. I haven't seen you in 10. I'm okay with both these facts. But I have much for which to be thankful to you. You're the first person I loved. You taught me that love is great, and that it can be foolish. With you, I learned that if you're determined enough, you might get what you want. And that you might realize you didn't really want it. You allowed me to be a father, the one role I would want to be remembered for more than anything. And you, more than anyone, led me to realize it's okay to forgive. Thank you.
Heart Truth #9: Missa, it's been a long, hard road. You showed me love can happen again after so many years that I didn't think it would. The end result doesn't take away that fact. If it were not for you, not only would I not have Tatiana in my life, there's a good chance that I would never had another child, and in retrospect, I find that difficult to stomach. No matter what, we will always be connected through Tatiana and Dane, love and loss, hope and sadness, and I want to thank you.
Heart Truth #10: Katie, I’ve told four women in my life that I loved them. You were the first who wasn’t somebody I had married. I truly loved you, but in retrospect, it’s probably good things went the way they did, because I don’t know that my love would have been sufficient enough to make up for taking from all you had where you were. Thank you for being the person to pick me up when I was feeling down, when I was feeling unloved and unworthy. I mean it now more than the first time I said it that you deserve the love I know you will find.
Heart Truth #11: Tammy, you're the last woman who I have told I love, and the only one with whom that is still true. I feel a lot of responsibility in being the person to whom you have given your heart, and sometimes I haven't met the mark. There is nobody I could laugh and talk with like you, nobody who seems to know what's on the tip of my tongue. I've sometimes been afraid that I wasn't the person you thought I was, and I sometimes have been afraid you thought I was less than the person I really was. Through everything and anything, whether we never meet again or we spend our lives together, I will do as I promised and make these the last words you get from me, no matter what: I love you.
Heart Truth #12: Julie, Bill, Mitch, and Matthew, the very best things I got out of my marriage were Tatiana and Bella. After that, it was having you in my life. Even after the divorce, I still think of you as my in-laws. I don't consider you family; you are family. There's not a moment when I think I can't turn to you for something. I appreciate all you've been in my life. I love you.
